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LiveJournal for Agnes.

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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003

Time:6:10 am.
Wow. It sure has been a long time since I wrote anything in here.

I've started to go extremely senile, and that really sucks. But when you're my age, what can you do? The other day, a hot young male nurse came to my room to feed me. I told him that he could put the food aside and give me some lovin' instead, and he immediately turned white and regurgitated his lunch all over the floor. For god sakes, I know I'm old and decrepit, the least you could do is pretend that I'm cute. He wasn't down for the spongebath either. I tried to play it all off like I didn't know what I was talking about, but he could see through it. The seamonkeys stole my money.

That story reminds me of the great stock market crash of the early thirties. It was a horrible time. I can't remember a time worse than that one. It was a harsh time. I wasn't young then either, and I had a hard time finding work. I couldn't even work the corners for chris'sakes. Even if I was lucky enough to snag a customer, he'd usually not have any money. After a few of those incidents, I started charging upfront.

The other day, a nurse from down the hall rolled me outside in my wheelchair. It's the first time I'd been outside in nearly a month. Sadly, the bastard left me outside and I sun burned worse than a drunken Irish man who passed out in the Sahara. The green disk was under the bed.

We tried sneaking into another man's room last night, but alas, Gertrude's squeaky wheel on her wheelchair did us in again. Urgent - Approved.
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Thursday, November 14th, 2002

Time:3:22 pm.
I don't update this thing very often, and I'm sure you can guess why.

Walter died. He was my long-time boyfriend. Well, last week, around dinnertime, he just kicked the bucket. We were all at the dinnertable, eating our processed "Veteran's Day Meals," when Walter started grabbing his heart. He dropped dead faster than a poor deer that's been shot with a rifle. They wouldn't let us go to the funeral, because they thought we'd be too much of a pain in public...

On another note, I've been to the hospital three times this week! I've got check-ups galore! It's good to get out of Shady Pines every once in a while, this place nags at me...being cooped up here makes me think of the olden days. And I'm not talking about the 1900's either. I'm talking about the period right around the Civil War. At this time, I was a bar maid at a tavern in Gettysburg PA. Not many people of heard of that place I'm sure...a huge battle rolled through there in the beginning of July, some 140 years ago. Before the battle, so many young men from all over the country would come to my tavern looking for all kinds of action. I kept telling them that they were at the wrong tavern...if they wanted a nice romp in the hay, they should have gone to Heidi's House of Fun across the street. Many times during the weeks before and after the battle, men would crowd in the tavern across the street....so much so that we almost went out of business.

Oh god, they're coming with my pills. I gotta go. Dinner is in a few minutes and then bedtime is at 6.
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Monday, July 29th, 2002

Time:3:35 am.
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I lost my password and I had to ask Walter to help me remember it. Luckily, he knew the answer.

So what's new? Not much. I lost my dentures the other day and now I'm forced to eat baby food until I can get a new set made. It reminds me of the time I had to feed my babies adult food because there was no baby food to give them. It was during the depression and things were very, very hard. The babies learned to deal with it though, and I think it even made some of the boys grow hair on their chest!!

I'll leave twenty grand in my will to anyone who agrees to drive to Florida and bury me in the backyard of the nursing home. I'm good for the money, I swear. I just want to pass. Just like the time those kidney stones passed. Boy they must be in a better place now...
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Tuesday, July 9th, 2002

Time:6:19 pm.
I hate being old. Here are some reasons why:

I lost my dentures again.

I droop.

I am so close to death I can taste it.

Why won't I die?

It's ninety degrees inside the nursing home.

I hate that bitch nurse Joanne.

I only get a sponge bath once a week.

Kill me.

Why can't I have a heart attack so the ambulance can come and take me away?

I had an affair once with Fidel Castro. Boy was he a lover.

Please don't freeze my head when I die. I don't want to come back and see how things turn out.

Peace out yo.
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Monday, June 24th, 2002

Subject:Crazy-eyed Rasputin
Time:9:46 pm.
Today I am going to tell a story that will have far-reaching consequences. Do any of you young whipper-snappers recall Rasputin? He was a good friend of one of the Russian Czars. Anyways, towards the end of his life, Rasputin's friends decided to kill him. Here's the real story.

The Czar invited Rasputin down to his summer cabin in the Ural Mountains for a little bit of summer fun. I too was invited because of I was a very "close friend" to the Czar. While there, it was decided that the murder would take place.

It was sometime in 1916, right smack-dab in the middle of the first World War. The Czar poisoned the wine and cake that was fed to Rasputin. After eating it, that crazy eyed mother fucker didn't die! We waited for hours, fed him more cake and wine, but to no avail. The Czar pulled out a gun and shot him several times, yet still the bastard wouldn't die down. WE then threw him into the icy Neva River, and no one heard from him again. We're pretty sure he died that day, but everytime we visited the woods, we could hear agonizing screams coming from the river.

Oh shit, the nurse is coming, I'd better scedattle!!
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Wednesday, June 19th, 2002

Subject:April 1945...
Time:9:53 pm.
The end of the second world war was in sight. The nazis had been run back into their "caves." George Bush sure smoked them out of their holes though...

...wait a minute. I'm mixing my times up. 1945 = Nazi Germany. 2002 = Osama bin Laden. My bad.

There was no smoking out of any holes in Germany in 1945.

Forgive me, I'm senile.
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Tuesday, June 18th, 2002

Subject:Montreal, 1925
Time:2:35 pm.
When I was 21, I was working in Montreal as a masseuse. It was a shitty job, and if any of you have been to Montreal, you'd understand why. The customers always expected more than a massage. For an extra nickel, I'd do special things for them. Sometimes people would try to give me American nickels though, and to be honest, American nickels don't go very far in Canada. Not unless you wanted to exchange them at the bank anyways.

Point of the story is, if you go to Montreal, be sure to tip the masseuse a little extra if she goes a little extra for you. And don't leave her any presents that she doesn't want.
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Monday, June 17th, 2002

Subject:Picture it..
Time:11:01 pm.
April 14, 1912.

I'm getting ready for bed. I was in the first class section of the ship. Before long, there was mass hysteria aboard the ship. It turns out the unsinkable ship was actually sinkable. I was only eight years old at the time, so my memory of the entire situation escapes me. Luckily for me, I was able to get onto one of those lifeboats.

After that, we made our way to America. Where I have been ever since.

Now I'm stuck in this shithole nursing home down in Florida. My name is Agnes, my roommate's name is Gertrude. We constantly fight over this hottie named Walter. He's comatose, but luckily for us, the viagra doesn't discriminate between the comatose and the living. Sometimes we get caught trying to sneak into his room at night. Gertrude has a squeaky wheel on her friggin' wheelchair. That usually does us in, but sometimes we sneak through. Funtimes then.

This journal is about the travesty that is the present-day nursing home. God save all who enter them.
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LiveJournal for Agnes.

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You're looking at the latest 8 entries.